At some point in your DM/GM career, you’ll run a session that still haunts your dreams three years later. Maybe you over/under prepared. Maybe you improvised a voice you couldn’t sustain. Maybe you killed the entire party (or should have, but didn’t). If so, this article is for you.
At Dice Company, we believe in the hive mind – our (toxic) circle of friends, our Patreons, the DiceCord and of course our lovely Bluesky followers. On Bluesky, we asked the question: What’s your ONE tip for a new DM/GM? *wrong answers only*
The answers were many, varied and marvellous. Welcome to: How to Be a Terrible Dungeon Master…
Drink their tears
DM/GMs must assert and retain full control during all sessions. Ideally, players should only speak when spoken to.
As James Morton put it: “You are not there to give them ‘agency’ You are there to crush their hopes and dreams and drink their sweet, sweet tears.”
Tiduidu wrote: “The players are your enemies. Your enjoyment hinges on their displeasure.”
It’s YOUR story
Lou Lys wrote: “The PC’s are bit players, if not loud observers, to your story. Their character arcs and choices are insignificant to the wider machinations of your plan. Answer no questions. If they cannot work it out they are not worthy of your genius.”
Tiny details = fun
Dr Queso De La Muerte wrote: “Remember: we’re here to follow rules and make a cohesive coherent story, not make friends and have fun.”
Lorimar added: “Players love record keeping. So enforce a strict ‘track every bullet/arrow’ rule. For added realism, assign usage limits and wear thresholds to mundane items like forks and writing gear. ‘You have 2 inches of chalk left? Are you sure you want to spend half of it on that message?’ Untold joy.”
Behave erratically
What could be more fun than playing a game run by an angry, irrational megalomaniac? Here are some great ideas for the aspiring table-top dictator:
UK Gamers Podcast recommends making combat feel more real by “buying fake blood, screaming and making your players cry, feel pain and develop PTSD”.
SJ Phyonix has a great idea for the novice DM/GM: “When frustrated with player choices, dice can be used as projectile weaponry.”
And how about this from Mobius: “If a character dies, you, the GM must consume the player. to keep things immersive.”
Try to do EVERYTHING
To be a terrible Dungeon Master, all “good” DM/GM skills should be attempted, all the time. Leave no stone un-turned in your quest for perfection.
Midnight Platypus suggested “doing a voice” is essential. Ideally, this would include “exposition in the form of parliamentary debate between a dozen NPCs” and a rolled combat that doesn’t involve the player characters.
And Tom Fenny wrote: “Worry about everything. The players will remember your slip ups and if you forget a rule you have forever screwed the balance of the game and invalidated your entire session. Every single action matters and they are watching you like hawks the entire time.”
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